So what do you think of the new site? I’m digging it.

The following is something I wrote in my personal blog and I’m repurposing it here since my new “format” includes personal things, so basically my life. I thought that this would be a great place to start since it speaks to a big part of who I am and where my mind has been as of late.

Yes, the character from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” who sings, “I don’t care how, I want it now!”

I’ve realized that she has been my subconscious idol ever since I saw her dance and sing across my TV screen, moaning about needing goose eggs.

I get it. I’ve been there. I’m extremely impatient about things that I’m really excited about. It can be anything from a guy I’ve decided I really like to the new Death Cab For Cutie CD, (which did just come out this week and I can’t wait to get it). I have no patience, I am without patience. I understand impatience inside and out.

And it has hurt me, it’s hurt my life because I just can’t wait. I’m afraid that if I wait I’ll miss out and there won’t be enough time. Time is passing SO quickly and I don’t want to fail. But in turn by being impatient and impulsive about certain things — for example what turned out to be the WORST job opportunity ever — I’ve set myself back, like, 5 years. At least, that what it feels like.

I’m trying really hard to look for the opportunity inside the problem/mess, but the problem is that I have a hard time trusting myself and what I want.

Wait, no, I know what I want. I just have a hard time deciding/trusting that what I want is the right thing to do. Everyday I’m bombarded with messages that say that I should do what makes me happy. I should follow my bliss. I should make my dreams happen. Do what you were meant to do! Do you what you love. Don’t let your dreams die! Live you best life!! But what if the dream that I’m chasing isn’t really anything at the end of the day? What if I follow this NASCAR thing to the end and in the end all that’s there is just a really big pot of debt, with no husband or children to cushion the blow of never being successful at the things that I wanted to be successful at?

I like to write. I like writing for myself (which is why I’ve started up here again–it’s been WAY too long–and turned the commenting feature off & blocked search engines) and I like writing about my experiences. I love the fact that NASCAR is a sport that takes place outdoors, which is where I like to be. I feel productive there. I like sharing my stories and that’s ALL I want to DO. I like traveling. I love hotels. I like taking the shuttle bus to the car rental counter. I like packing. I love rehashing little moments that happened to me in my head, moments that might not mean anything at all to anyone else but me. I like it when people tell me they read my blog and they like it. I love it when they tell me they love it.

I wrote the above back in June of 2011 and I think I’ve gotten better about patience. I’ve learned to float. I’ve learned about the idea of not struggling against the quicksand and just being still, allowing the quicksand to lift me up instead of pulling me down. I’m not perfect at it, by any means but I’m working hard to not freak out at the fact that I’m turning 32 at the end of this month and I’m still not married and I still don’t have at least one baby in my arms right now. I’m trying to just go with it and be less like Veruca.