The word on the street is that NASCAR will announce today that they’re moving the current Sprint Cup Series director, John Darby, into another role and are actively seeking a replacement for Darby’s old position as “Garage Boss.”

In the same article the Associated Press reported that NASCAR is supposedly looking at candidates that are outside of NASCAR. So I’m thinking I could do it. I’m officially throwing my hat into the ring. What? Like it’s hard? Here are my reasons why I think I’d make a kick butt NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Director.

(in no particular order)

1.) I’m awesome — Duh! I think that pretty much goes without saying.

2.) I love rules — I’m one of those people that just loves rules. I know and understand their importance in this world. Everybody needs them, all the time. We might complain about them but they’re there for our safety and security. Without rules there would be chaos. Have you ever watched those TV shows about parents who are at their wit’s end with their crazy, bratty children? Ya know, Nanny 911 and SuperNanny? Every episode goes down the same: the kids have no structure, no rules or no enforcement of established rules and the kids run amok. Once those areas are fixed everything is fine. I could apply those same strategies to the NASCAR garage. If you break a rule you have to sit in the naughty trailer for as many minutes as your car number. (I would round David Reutimann up to 100 minutes on account of his No. 00 car)

3.) I know some car stuff — I once changed the oil in my car and I know how to change the air filter too.

4.) I’m a great listener — Ask any of the poor, sad Peter Pan dudes that I’ve dated in the past. They’ve all commented on what a great listener I am (“I feel like I can tell you anything, like how I’m still not over my ex-girlfriend”) and they always feel so much better after talking to me. So a bunch of whiney NASCAR drivers would be easy peasy.

5.) I called it — Since no else is jumping up and down for the job it automatically goes to me. If you want the front seat, you have to call it and the same goes for jobs, people!

6.) I’m a natural mediator — In high school it wasn’t uncommon for me to conduct couples therapy sessions with my friends who were having issues with their significant other. The fact that none of the couples I helped stayed together shouldn’t be a red flag, the important thing is that I did help them communicate better while they were a couple.

7.) I’d command respect — I’m thinking I’d get a super cool hoodie (custom made by Neighborhoodies) that would read “Garage Boss – you must respect my authority!” OR “Don’t mess with Valli or you’ll have to PARK it” Ha! Get it!?